Monday, November 19, 2007

So, why am I blogging this again?

I was going to the bank today -- and I had a flashback to teaching experimental design and realized that I am trying to, sort of, do a case study -- to watch myself through this process and see how I come out on the other side. I would hope that someone else hears an echo of themselves in what is happening to me and is fractionally lighter for a moment, but that is a lofty goal, and one that I don't really expect to come to fruition.

Maybe I will use this to sharpen my writing, which is always good.

Surely part of it is to update people who are in the know so that I don't have to talk about what is happening to me medically, because it is a big, gargantuan bore.


If I can borrow from a friend of mine, Shelley, I think it is all about the honesty. Maybe, just maybe, I can be honest about what it feels like to become a sick person, a patient. That is a good goal.

I think that I am blogging this because none of this is what I would expect. I have never thought that I would be sick, ever. Not really. And nothing about it is what I would have thought it to be. I am not what I thought I would be.

I am more scared than I thought I would be.
I am more petulant.
I am not brave.
I am graceless.

It is not that I am not receiving grace, because grace, surely, does abound. I just feel like I am not a beacon of light in all of this. I think I shine better as a well person than as a sick person. And that is a little embarrassing and makes me cringe a little.

One thing that I am not blogging for is for sympathy, because, believe you me, I need none. If I dropped dead tomorrow of some gruesome, painful disease, I would never be able to say that my life is anything but absolutely wonderful. So, please don't say that I am brave or strong, because I am not. I love the fact that some of you can come and contribute, because I truly love your voices.

I give you full permission to laugh at me -- because that is great. But sympathy? None needed.

I am not going to say that there are moments that have been difficult. Watching my poor husband deal with all of this has been no fun. Scaring my kids and making my sisters cry has not been fun. If it was just me, I think that this would be much easier.

However, I am in a lull right now. In between medical tests and medical appointments. I am going to get back and catch up to the present in the narrative.

Actually, if I was going to really be honest, I am blogging this, partly because I am scared that I will forget what this is like. And that whatever I am supposed to be learning will be forgotten. Because my memory is a little shot right now.

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